After we settled my parents' estate and I was driving back home I felt gratified. One way or another, we'd gotten through it amicably. Success! Everything wasn't done the way I thought best, and everything wasn't precisely equitable, but we all accepted the results with peace.
But in ensuing days, as we emailed and talked about extra decisions, things fell apart. I couldn't understand it. No one was greedy, but I kept hearing phrases and responses that sounded so childish, "You're sarcastic." "That's not fair!" "You're always sneaky!" What on earth was happening??!
In reality, it was childish. As we "gathered home," everyone of us had reverted to a version of our childhood selves at some point in the process, and those roles magnified in the aftermath.
While it was a relief to read that such chemistry is common in adult siblings--especially where relationships with their parents are involved such as final care-giving decisions and in estate settling--knowing it changed nothing.
Once on that level, it's as easy to settle matters as it is for quarreling children on a playground to make peace with each other. Until a teacher comes along, there is little hope.
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I hope for more for my children. If it were a matter of simple counsel I would say: In ALL interactions with siblings, view each other as Adult Friends. Overlook the past.
You wouldn't be too frank, you wouldn't expect too much, you wouldn't over-react to a friend's treatment of you. You would be friendly, civil, accepting, considerate, and appreciative.
I'm not saying sever family ties, but the opposite. To keep family ties, you have to be civil adults, not petulant 7 year-olds. Yes, you still come to each other's aid and yes, you still recall the past and laugh or commiserate. But you don't relax into a this-is-my-family-and-I-know-the-drill mentality. Instead, use polite restraint. Show respect.
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Suggestion from a Times article:
"When it comes to making important decisions together, it turns out many adult siblings use mediation. One woman said, 'Every conversation ended with someone crying or hanging up, or both.' These three sisters found a mediator. 'We wanted to stay connected as siblings, but if you don’t get someone else to help you out, you kind of fall prey to your childhood antics.'
"When it comes to making important decisions together, it turns out many adult siblings use mediation. One woman said, 'Every conversation ended with someone crying or hanging up, or both.' These three sisters found a mediator. 'We wanted to stay connected as siblings, but if you don’t get someone else to help you out, you kind of fall prey to your childhood antics.'
"It doesn’t matter how successful people are; when they’re around their siblings, they often revert to their 7-year-old selves. 'Family members are often very successful professionally, but when they’re back with the family it can trigger old emotions, and they envision each other back in their old roles and it makes it difficult to envision who that person is now,' said Crystal Thorpe, co-author of Mom Always Liked You Best." NY Times, May 2015.
"The mediator takes the pressure off and keeps things on an adult level. Also, some times a person can't tolerate the truth from a sibling, but the same information can be imparted by a third party and it's OK." They're not too expensive. Something to consider.
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