Parenting Daughters

While trying on clothes in a department store a few years back,  I could hear in the next booth a mother and teen daughter.  From their voices, I knew they were Black.  They were soft-spoken and I heard only snatches as they shopped for the daughter.

Periodically the mother's calm voice said:  "Cute."  "Hmm, the shirt's too short."  Or "No.That shows too much."

I'm thinking of her now.  While I know little about Black cultural mothering patterns, I was impressed with this careful, watchful mom.  With or without "The Strength of Youth," she had definite ideas and didn't hesitate to look after her daughter.

[This is off the subject, but gives a flavor I like.  "I am a Black mom. And my mom—she’s a Black mom, too. And so was my Nana. And never not once did my mother address me with a three, five or twelve-letter slur (I’ll let you figure out what those are on your own). Sure, I got lectured about running in and out of the house and jumping on the furniture. And if I asked her to go to McDonald’s, she would whip right back and ask me “You got McDonald’s money?” That much rings true. But she didn’t spend the preponderance of her time devising new ways of saying she was going to kick my tail."  Essence- The Write or Die Chick]

In a TV example of Black parenting, the dad surveys the daughter leaving the house to meet friends.  He's OK that she has put make-up on only half her face and that part of her hair is shaved short, but he draws the line at her jeans.  "Too tight," he says.  She grumbles and goes to change.  I liked the lesson of the dad watching out for his daughter.

Good fathers protect. Does anyone remember Dr. McDonald in Green Valley?  I happened to be at their house on a YW errand one morning before Church.  Carolyn, the mom, was staying home sick.  When I arrived, things were in confusion. The Beehive daughter had been told by her Dad that her skirt was too short.  To me he didn't appear demanding or tyrannical, but calm. Carolyn was helping the tearful daughter iron a different skirt and getting her out the door.
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I reject the notion that girls should be able to dress however they want and men and boys should look the other way.  Do not assume that I think boys have no accountability, but laissez faire thinking is way too simplistic.  Without realizing it, the current approach tells girls things about themselves that well-meaning adults didn't intend.

Here's an example.  Chelsea, a high school girl we know in Southern California, began dating a mid-Eastern man, almost ten years her senior.  Her divorced father welcomed him into their home, even permitting him to sleep over in Chelsea's bed.  He reasoned that if he disapproved she would just sleep with him somewhere else. Did it make her happy? To me, Chelsea looked way too sad, hard and jaded for one so young.

I think the father may have achieved his purpose.  But I believe he was also telling Chelsea some things he didn't intend.  Mainly, he was telling her no one had her back, and certainly not her father--the person in all the world who should have been her staunchest protector and defender.  Who knows what else she perceived?  That her Dad doubted her ability to get a decent boyfriend?  Or any man any other way?  That she was lucky to have anyone so they better hold on to him?  That all men were aligned against her? That her core value meant little?  That at so young an age, she should not think about sports or school or dating, but instead think about avoiding pregnancy, about long-term relationships, and other grown-up topics.  Did she have abortions?  And how would that make her feel about herself today?  I know, I know.  Had he been less indulgent, maybe she would have disappeared forever, etc.  I simply observed it was a very sad situation and I'm convinced the father had many, better choices.

I think watchful parents show children that they matter.  I maintain that the daughter in the dressing room knew that her mother valued her.  That the TV daughter knew, when she got out there in the world with friends, that there was safety at home.  That Dr. McDonald's daughter knew that her father and mother were watching over her.

A fourteen year old girl is not the same thing as a 24 year old woman.  They can choose for themselves in due time.