Fear, Doubt, Anger

The summer after my junior year at BYU, I went on the Hill Cumorah Pageant Trip (like a three week mini-mission).  It was three touring busses loaded with BYU co-eds, headed to Palmyra to assist in putting on the Pageant that the Church sponsored there. I went, hopeful that I would gain a testimony that "The Church is True" in the Sacred Grove or somewhere. 

With that in mind, I agonized in my time there, spoke with the missionaries, read scriptures, received a blessing.  And got nothing.  When the event was over I was deflated. I had a pleasant time, but where was the testimony experience?

On the bus ride home one evening, I was sitting in the dark, sad and disappointed. What was I going to do? Quit?  I knew I wouldn't.  As I pondered, there came over me the strongest spiritual sensation that my prayers were heard, I was loved, and I was on the right path.  Totally unexpected. Powerful, positive and comforting. 

In the midst of the wonderful, good feelings, I found myself Afraid.  "What if I can't keep these good feelings?"  The Spirit returned, and then I began to Doubt.  "What if I can't be true (or something or other)?"  Again, the goodness prevailed. Then I was Angry.  "This is too hard!"  Then the understanding came to me that these negative things I felt were the tools the Adversary uses--Fear, Doubt, and Anger--and I needed to beware of them on my Spiritual Journey in life. That was the direction I was given, the chief message, delivered with wonderful feelings and the assurance that the path I was on was the path for me.

That fall, back at school in Provo,  one Sunday the experience was confirmed to me. It happened while I sat in Church. I was reviewing that night on the bus, and I was disappointed to realize that I could no longer remember how the good Spirit had felt, as strong as it had been.  Then the little thought came to me, "Maybe you didn't actually feel it.... Maybe you just..."  Before I could even go there, I launched into a self-lecture.  "Donna! You KNOW you felt those things and you considered them a LOT in the days that followed!!  If Heavenly Father doesn't want you to remember how you felt, well then, too bad!  You just don't get to remember!! But don't you even think of denying that it happened because..."  In the middle of my lecture, that special, good spiritual feeling returned.  It was brief and less strong but I recognized it clearly from that summer night on the bus.

Again, no confirmation for me that said the "Church was true." Nothing about Jesus Christ or Joseph Smith or living Prophets.